It's the end...of 2009 that is.

I can't believe the year is just about over.  I think my only resolution for the year is just that I need to write more...whether that's here or in other places.  I know there are other things I could resolve to do, this is promising to be a hectic year in my life, but I'm going to give it a try. 

Where has the time gone?

Wow! It's been a while since I've written anything.  Life has been busy, and I've had a lot to do.  Writing hasn't been on the top of my list.  Maybe I should get busy again.

Speaking of...

As I've editing When the Wind Whispers Your Name, I've decided that I'm just not that into the title anymore.  First of all, it follows the same formula as When Broken Sparrows Fly, and I like that title more.  I'm not really sure what route I should take. Here's a brief synopsis of the story. Due to circumstances (and one messed up in the head dude) out of her control, Lizzie Kinkaid is taken from her home and has her memory sorta erased (it's not totally gone, just repressed due to the synthetic chemical MX-23).  Her husband, Nick, and best buds Tess, Dan (who are married) and Russ think Lizzie just took off of her own free will.  Two years later, Lizzie comes back, unaware of who she is.  Nick and company work to help her regain her memory while aforementioned messed up dude tries to kill her. 

That's about it in a nutshell.  Any suggestions?

About me? Yuck!

Barring my writing on the unfinished novel, I have to write an autobiography.  No, I'm not going on celebrity dish, planning on busting on everyone I've ever known in order to feel better and sell books.  It's a part of the paperwork I'm working on for the adoption process I'm going through right now.  And, boy is it a process!  On top of everything else, they want me to write an autobiography.  Dang!  I'm sure they don't want a book, but how do you compress 36 years into a few pages?  What's important?  What do I make sure to include and what do I definitely NOT include?  

I guess I should get started on that.  

Goals

I've set a goal for myself to finish W.t.W.W.Y.N. by the end of the year.  Well...that's not going so hot.  I only have 27 days left!  And 3 of those are holidays...well one is a holiday and the other 2 should be.  I need to get my butt in gear!!  

Failing that goal, I'm definitely going to have this baby done before NEXT Christmas.  Hmm...well I hope so anyway.  

Writing can be Murder!

Sometimes the decision comes to kill off a character.  I've killed off a number of characters in my time.  In my original version of W.B.S.F., I think there was something like seven people who were knocked off.  Even the final version has about six people dying.  What prompts me to kill off a character?  I think it really comes down to the need to create tension and show that the stakes are high for the main characters.  If no one dies, then is there really the possibility that someone you care about could die?  Are they really in danger?  

I made the decision to kill off a majorish character in W.t.W.W.Y.N. and while it was sad for the characters (and me), I think it was the right decision to create tension and conflict.  So, good-bye to all those killed off characters...you should be happy knowing your death made the story better!

Cutting a Character

When I'm editing, I have found that certain elements that I at first thought were terrific, don't work as well as I had planned.  When I was writing W.B.S.F., there were a number of characters that upon a  later edit I decided were unnecessary.  I also added a new character which has it's own challenges.  

The problem with getting rid of an established character is that you then have to obliterate every reference to that person.  The more involved that character was in the story, the more references that need to be erased.  Plus, I had to make sure the story worked better without them.  Things needed to flow and make sense.  I didn't want the reader to go, "Hmm...something's missing here...what's going on?"  

I've been editing W.t.W.W.Y.N. and have come to the conclusion that I need to get rid of a character.  There's nothing inherently wrong with this character (a spunky FBI agent with a dog and a cat) except that she doesn't fit very well into the story.  I made the decision to focus on the main characters and that didn't leave a lot of room for character growth and involvement for Delia.  On the plus side (and more evidence that she should probably go) was that she's really only in four or five of the first 29 chapters.  That's just not enough to make her important to the story.  By disposing of her character, I'm hoping that I can keep the story tighter around the main characters and keep the story from going in the wrong direction.  

While poor Delia is getting cut out, I still like her character.  She has a unique personality, and I like her, so I'll just file her paragraphs away.  Maybe I'll find a story just for her someday.  

What's in a name?

I named "When the Wind Whispers Your Name" right out of the gate.  I think I'd written less than a chapter when it came to me, and I immediately bestowed it on my lowly story.  Sometimes names just hit me like that.  Other times, not so much.

I try to think of several possible titles for stories, but it can be difficult.  I've recently started contemplating this particular title, and I'm not so sure I like it as much anymore.  Does it really grab me?  Does it have the urgency and depth of the story?  I'm not so sure.  Unfortunately, if I kick it to the curb, that means I have to come up with a new title.  That has me quaking a bit in my boots (really, flats...don't really wear boots, anymore).  What do I call it?  What stands out?  What title would best sum up the story and say to potential readers, "Hey, you, read me!  I'm a good story!  I'll entertain for a few hours."  Hmm...I'm just not sure yet.

new focus

Sometimes the fire burns brightly, and today was a good writing day.  I actually managed to get another 12 chapters of W.t.W.W.Y.N. edited.  I only have another five or six chapters to edit, and then it'll be on to some new stuff.  Hopefully I can keep my focus enough to finish up this book well.  

What I aspire to...

I just re-read the first in the O'Malley series, The Negotiator.  If you haven't read this book by Dee Henderson and you enjoy suspenseful stories with identifiable characters, than this is the book for you.  Miss Henderson does a superb job of creating a story that would launch 6 other books.  I love this series maybe for the pure fact that it makes me want to write.  If you're looking for a good story, pick this one up!

Gotta move, gotta move!

It's been a while since I've been on here.  Sometimes I feel like that proverbial boulder...you know the one...if it doesn't move it gets covered in moss.   A rolling stone can't gather any moss.  I think I've gotten a little covered in moss, which is really just this mind-numbing, blah of mental inactivity.  I too easily allow myself to become numbed to life.  To turn it off or tune it out...to overall let myself fall victim to myself.  I need to shake it off.  I need to put into practice that which comes so easily when I'm driving my car or walking my dog...my imagination!  

the wind out of the balloon

I only have one day until the 60 days are up.  Sadly, I have received neither an acceptance nor a rejection from the agents I sent my manuscript to.  Regardless, it's not done.  Maybe I'll try to think outside of the box.  Okay, Brian...let's talk about e-publishing.  

reboot

There are times when we just need to start over.  Scrap an idea and go back to square one.  Or maybe just do some housecleaning...you know how it is.  Do you really need those disco pants from 1978?  Or those leg warmers?  Luckily, I never wore disco pants (I was 5 in 1978), and while I had leg warmers (striped teal and pink...very chic in 1983), they've long since hit the discard pile at Goodwill.  My point really isn't about going through my closet, it's more about cleaning out the garbage that stops me from enjoying the fullness of God in my life.  

I've been in this middle ground of being overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated over a lack of movement in certain areas of my life.  And it has led to a little irritation at God for bringing about certain ideas into my life and then not following through on the promise made.  Unfortunately, that only leads to discontent and gives room for Satan to hand me the blocks I need to build that wall between me and God.  

I want to publish my book...or really anything at this point.  I want to find my own "Mr. Right" but God seems to think that taking the long way around is what I need.  I want to be a mom, and this beautiful opportunity might be presenting itself, but I'm stuck in all of these fears and doubts and frustrations that things are stuck in the mire of bureaucracy.  Where is the justice in this?  What is God telling me in this? 

I guess what he's telling me is to keep trying, keep hoping, keep waiting for he is there and will follow through.  However that looks, he has it all figured out.  Why do I keep having to figure this out?  Can't a lesson be learned once and remembered?  Why do I continually struggle through the same stupid territory?  When will I ever get it?  

lost in the haze

There are times when I find myself wondering in the desert of my own emotional upheaval...those times when I've lost track of me and instead have become consumed by the fog of nothingness.  It's easy to slide down the hill into the mire when you don't keep your lamp lit.  That's where I am.  This is really nothing new to me.  I give so much of my oil away without replenishing it, that before I know it, I'm dry.  Unfortunately, this always seems to happen before the semester has come to a close and nothing drains me quite as much as teaching.  I love what I do, but there are days (and sometimes weeks) where I feel weak and tired and irritable.  I just need a break, a chance to refill the lamp and refocus on my goals and my life.  To maybe try something new or develop different opportunities and friendships.  

It's these times that I really need to keep my eyes focused squarely on the cross because if I don't, then this time is far more painful.  There's nothing like the poor decisions that come from building a wall between me and God.  

So, here's to keeping my focus and making it through until a respite is offered.  

the perfect guy

Every girl dreams about the "one", the "perfect man" for her.  She thinks about tall, dark, and handsome and her prince in shining armor.  One of the fun things about writing is creating that perfect guy for the heroine.  He has to be everything she needs in a man.  It's this creation of a "perfect" relationship that still has to seem realistic.  No guy is perfect, and no relationship is perfect.  

One of the problems I'm running into while working on W.t.W.W.Y.N. is that Nick is just too perfect.  This guy is handsome, smart, successful, and he loves his wife.  Great, huh?  Except it doesn't create much tension or conflict to the story.  No one wants to be married to a plastic ken doll or a door mat.  He has to be alive enough to be an equal match for Lizzie.  I just can't figure out how to make him less perfect.  

I didn't want to go the obvious route of having him angry and bitter at Lizzie for "leaving him".  But, in having him be understanding and loving towards her, it kind of takes some of the bite and conflict out of their relationship.  Yes, he's showing Christ's love towards her by showing forgiveness and love...but how realistic is that?  

I don't want to go back to the drawing board with him, but I need to tweak his character a bit more.  Maybe he needs a temper or something...guess I'll get back to it.

a desire to create

I am often just overtaken with this desire to create.  Something.  Anything.  Unfortunately, I just don't always have good follow through.  I love to write, but sometimes I just want to paint or scrapbook or do something different.  I was told once that creating anything is good for the soul...it keeps us close to the Great Creator.  I believe that's true.  He put in us a desire to make something and to enjoy making it.  So...I'm off to make something.  Not sure what, yet, but I'll figure it out.

Who's this for anyway?

I often forget who I write for.  Is it for myself?  Do I get some intrinsic value out of writing?  Is it to please my masses of fans?  (note the sarcasm in the last statement as I neither have nor want fans...fans are fickle and wave around hot air)  Or do I do this for God?  Because if I don't then I'm denying a part of myself that he created as beautiful and essential to who I am?  I want this to be about God, and when I'm steeped in the love of the moment, then it is.  But, somehow that doesn't translate well into my life.  

Because I could just ask the question: why don't I write?  What stops me?  Is it the rebellious part of myself that's going to deny myself (and God) the joy of completely being myself?  Is it my lack of motivation or desire?  What is it?  I don't know...does it matter?  Probably not.  Whether I write or not, it only affects me.  Right?  

Maybe not.  God has a plan for each of us.  He's bestowed amazing gifts on every one of his children.  You don't give a gift only to see the recipient hide it away in a closet never to see the light of day again.  A gift is meant to be shared.  

I suppose I just need a change of mindset.  Maybe I just need to write a sentence every day and see where that gets me.  

Here's today's sentence: I have what it takes because God has made me worthy.  No one else can do that for me.

relationally

I really enjoy writing the interactions between people, especially friends and family.  My goal is to make those relationships seem as real as possible.  But I have to admit, that often they tend more towards the ideal than the realistic.  I write what I want those relationships to be like...maybe I write how I'd like my relationships to be.  The open communication, joking manner, and all-around love between friends and family is what I want to convey.  Like any person, those are the things you want in your relationship--the things that sustain you when tragedy strikes or problems arise.  Granted, most people aren't suffering from amnesia, but I think the desire is the same.  What makes good drama is good conflict, and I don't think conflict has to be painful in order to be gripping.  Life is dramatic.  Just ask anyone.

discombobulated

I feel really tense and anxious right now.  It's hard to think about writing fiction when my life has taken a serious turn for the bizarre.  It seems as though I've always done things in reverse, but it's getting ridiculous!  

God has placed on my heart my great-nephew.  A little boy just 3 and a half.  Due to circumstances out of his hand and his mama's, he needs a new home, and I've offered mine.  What does this mean?  Not much yet...not until the court decides that I would make a fit parent.  I know it's more than that, but it's too overwhelming to think about all the details.  

What it really comes down to is, I trust God.  I trust that he has a plan for me and nothing takes him by surprise.  I know that has a plan for the little guy as well, whether that means I get to be his insta-mommy or not.  I really want him; I know I'd be a good mom, and I know that with God for me, who could possibly stand against me?  But, I don't know what his final plan is.  I can only pray and wait.  

Contest

The Writer's Digest has a short story competition every year.  I've entered it before, but I recognize that my particular gifts aren't always the short story variety.  Due to recent developments in my life, I have a new idea for a short story.  If I can gather my wits about me, I might be able to write something.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

God's sledgehammer

It's easy in life to become complacent with the place God has brought me.  I love the life I've been given; I've come to terms with the gifts God has given and the gifts that he has withheld.  It's been a challenge to push through the times of resentment and depression over what God hasn't given me.  But it came to me recently that my life is awesome.  I get to teach in a place that honors God, and I have had the chance to impact dozens upon dozens of teens who have struggled through pain and anger of their own.  I finally committed to put down roots of my own by buying a house (a little place that in my head I call the cottage), and I am involved in a growing, dynamic church that continually challenges me in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  

So, I guess I should have been expecting a great big shakeup...that is often the way God has worked in my life.  This shaking me out of my complacent life.  But, this most recent challenge was like a sledgehammer to the side of my head.  What do I do with this?  How do I know what the right decision is? 

I need to clear my head and trust what God has for me.  Now, how do I separate my fears from the plan God has for me?

Excerpt from W.t.W.W.Y.N.

Since I was just talking about dialogue, I thought I'd include an excerpt from the totally not complete manuscript of Lizzie's story.  This is from early in the story before Nick (Lizzie's husband) has learned of her return.  This is a dialogue-heavy portion of story, so let me know if you think the dialogue seems real or contrived.  Does it work?

“What’s going on, Dan?”  He hooked his hammer into his tool belt as he watched Dan pound the last nail. 

            “What do you mean?” Dan sidestepped the question as he leaned against the fence and looked out at the fields. 

            “Something’s on your mind.” Nick reached out and turned Dan towards him.  “I’ve known you too long to be easily fooled.”

            “Am I really that obvious?”

            “Yes,” Nick said as he grinned.  “Now, spill it.”

            Dan’s look turned serious. “I don’t know how.” He whisked his hat off his head and thoughtlessly ran his fingers through the dark hair as he glanced away from Nick.

            “You can tell me anything, Dan.”

            “Yeah, I suppose so.” He started pacing in front of Nick.  “I don’t even know how to start.”

            “Does this have to do with Tess?” He’d sat beside Dan many a night as his cousin poured out the agony of watching his wife suffer through yet another miscarriage, and the thought of them going through that fire again hurt.  “Did the doctor have bad news?”

            “Tess?” Dan threw Nick a blank look.  “No, it’s nothing like that.  Actually, this should be good news.”

            “Then it should be easy to share.” Nick suddenly felt nervous, wondering what was disturbing his no-nonsense cousin so much.  Shouldn’t good news bring joy? 

            “You’d think.” Dan sighed and rubbed his hands across his face.  “It’s about Lizzie.”

            “What about Lizzie?” Nick felt his palms beginning to sweat, and his stomach suddenly jumped into knots. 

            “I don’t know where to start.”

            “Try the beginning.  I find it works well.”

            “Alright,” Dan paused, as if to gather his thoughts.  “We’ve, all of us, have felt as though Lizzie was alive, that despite her absence, she was still with us.”

            “I still feel that way.”

            “I know.” Dan glanced away and then brought his gaze back to Nick’s.  “How much do you want the truth, Nick?”

            “What do you mean?”

            “I mean, what if you found out she was dead?  Or, if something terrible had happened to her?  What would you do if she did come home?”

            “I think about her all the time, Dan.” Nick’s heart ached over the questions.  Questions he’d thought over and over again.  The answer was always the same: it didn’t matter, he loved her.  He wanted her back.  “I want my wife home.  I want our life back, no matter what that would look like.”

            “What if she wasn’t the same?” A ribbon of anxiety entered his voice, and Nick took a step backwards. “What if she’s not the Lizzie we remember?”

dialogue moves the story along...or just confuses the reader

Imagine enjoying a book.  The characters are dynamic, the plot is interesting, and you can't wait to find out what happens next.  Then they start to talk.  You're following along, getting what they're saying...then suddenly you're lost.  Who said what?  What are they talking about?  Why are they talking about this?  It makes no sense!!  I hate that!  It really bugs me when I have to go backwards to count the lines to figure out who said what.  Don't lie, you've been there.  

Personally, I really like dialogue.  I think I'm a better dialoguer than a narrative descriptor.  A good conversation will flow easily, seem realistic, and will move plot and offer character growth.  I'm still developing in this area, but I do think it's one of my strengths.  

The etiquette for grammar with dialogue is a little hazy depending on who you're talking to.  Some people swear by 'said', 'reply', 'questioned', etc...while others think these descriptors are obsolete and annoying to read.  I agree, they can be annoying when the same one is used over and over and over again.  That's probably my one problem with the Harry Potter novels: J.K. Rowling loves to use the word said.  

I like to add physical description or actions to my dialogue.  I think it's easier for the reader to picture what's going on.  

What are your thoughts on these and other dialogue issues?

30 days to go

Today it's been one month since I sent W.B.S.F. off to a couple of prospective agents.  I still haven't heard anything.  The websites say to give it 2 months, so I still have 30 days.  I'm not sure if I really believe anything could or will come of it.  We'll see.  I just have to keep praying that God's will take precedence over my desires.  

Excerpt from W.B.S.F.

Here is a short excerpt from the beginning of When Broken Sparrows Fly.  Tell me if this seems interesting to you.

    It was another one of those nights that made Katerina Pascal wish she could cut the pain out with a knife or maybe burn the memories from her head.  As it was, she couldn’t and that was a shame because she could really use a good night’s rest. 

            Scowling at the pile of clean clothes she’d dumped on the bed two--or was it three--days ago, she shoved them out of the way and curled her body around the one ragged shirt of Ben’s she’d managed to hide from her sister’s prying eyes.  There was no sense in letting Beau know it was still around, she was sure to throw it away like she’d tossed every other one.  Kat wanted to be angry with her meddling sister, but her sister was all she had left, and she wasn’t about to lose her too.

            Pushing her back against the wall, she tried to fight the sleep that would inevitably lead to the dream, but knew it was a feeble effort.  Her body was screaming for the sleep she’d denied it the past couple of days, and before she knew it she’d slipped into the past. 

            “Hey, babe!”

            “What?” Kat looked up from the suitcase she was attempting to drag across the front yard.

            “I’ll get that,” Ben said as he jogged over to her and pulled the suitcase from her.

            “But you’ve done it all.” She crossed her arms in front of her. 

            “That’s okay.” He quickly leaned down and kissed her forehead.  “That’s what husbands are supposed to do, didn’t anyone ever tell you that?”

            “I guess not,” she said as she smiled grudgingly.

            “You can do me a favor though.”

            “What’s that?” Kat perked up at the idea of doing something, anything if it meant he didn’t have to do it all.

            “I think I left my wallet on the bathroom counter.  Would you grab it for me?”

            “Sure thing, hon.” She smiled and turned back to the house she had locked up only five minutes earlier.  Digging through her pockets, which seemed strangely tiny, she finally found the house key and let herself in.  She was momentarily surprised to see the walls decorated in dancing elephants and wondered why she couldn’t remember putting the elephants up.  Shrugging, she focused on her mission.  She needed to find the wallet.

            “Well, where is it?” She muttered to herself as she pushed aside the clutter on the counter

            She sighed.  No wallet.  She decided to throw her net wider and started looking around.  She glanced into their bedroom, but didn’t see it on any of the surfaces.  Glancing back into the bathroom her gaze swept the room.  Just as she was about to give up her eyes fell on the corner of the leather wallet.  It was on the floor peeking from underneath a baby blanket.  Why on earth was there a baby blanket in the bathroom? 

            “Aha!” Pushing aside the blanket, she grabbed up the wallet

            As she exited the house she noticed Ben slam the trunk of the car and head towards the driver’s side. 

            “Give me a minute, hon,” she called.  “I just have to lock up.”

            He gave her a thumbs up and opened the door to the red Honda.

            Locking the house, she tossed her keys back into her pocket and headed to the car.  Just as her foot hit the cement of the sidewalk an explosion ripped through the car.  The force of it tore the hood from the car and flung it nearly 500 feet away where it landed in the neighbor’s yard.  The blast was so powerful that she was thrown backwards, and she felt immense pain flare up her back as she landed against the house.  Her head bounced off the brown brick, and her eyes teared up as gas fumes blew her direction.  The heat of the flames swept over her in waves.  The flames licked the car, and she imagined she could see Ben struggling against the fire that engulfed the vehicle.

            A scream ripped from Kat’s mouth as she awoke.  Sweat ran down her face as she looked around at her surroundings.  It was dark still, and she was wedged between the wall and the edge of the bed.  The only sound in the night was her heavy breathing. 

            She’d fallen asleep and her nightmare had returned.  Again.   

            She rubbed her palms violently against her eyes, hoping to wipe out the memory.  She glanced over at the clock and saw 2:47 flash back at her.  She probably wouldn’t get back to sleep this night.  The sheets were entangled around her legs, and she kicked them away as she attempted to get out of the bed.  Her head throbbed and she wasn’t sure if it was from the dream or because she’d knocked it against the wall in her nightmarish struggle against the past.

            She was under no illusion about why the memory kept resurfacing.  Only two weeks before was the anniversary of that day, a day she longed to forget.

            Stumbling into the kitchen, she flicked on the lights and headed toward the sink.  Piles of dirty dishes were scattered around the counter, finding a clean one took effort but she managed.  Turning on the faucet she filled the glass and reached for the pill bottle that rested on the window ledge. 

            She sighed.  The doctor had prescribed the sleeping pills months ago.  She just wasn’t sure she wanted to take them.  They scared her because she remembered those early months when she probably would have ended her life if they had been readily available. 

            Setting the bottle back on the sill she instead grabbed the bottle of aspirin and quickly gulped down two.  Maybe she could at least get rid of the pounding headache.  As she gulped down the water her eyes fell on the Bible sitting on her table. 

            Leaving the glass on the counter, she walked over to the book.  Beau had brought it by earlier.  Said Kat needed to start reading it again, to give the pain to God.  Trust her sister to remind her about God.  She grimly eyed the book and turned from it.  She was still angry at God, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to let go of that anger.  The anger reminded her she was still alive.  She was still alive, and Ben was dead.

            Turning out the kitchen light, she headed back toward the bedroom.  She would try again to sleep.  Maybe the dream wouldn’t come back tonight. She knew it was a hopeless thought, it would be back.  If not tonight, then tomorrow.  She would just have to learn to deal with it.  

           

           

             

opening lines

A good opener can be the difference between a great story people want to read and a ho-hum, maybe I'll get to it later feeling.  I don't know if I've quite gotten the hang of great opening lines, but here are some that have recently come to me.  Do any of these make you think, hmm...this could be an interesting read?

The slamming of the door reverberated down my spine and made me cringe.  Mom was home, and I was not in the mood to deal with her drama, not today.  

I lie.  That's what I do best.  Everyone looks at me and accepts what I say as though it were God-given truth, but the reality is, I don't know anything except how to lie.  Unfortunately, that wasn't going to help me now. 

“Sam, I can’t believe you’d have the audacity to come crawling back into this office after so unceremoniously quitting.”

awesome

God is awesome.  His power astounds me.  His love and mercy overwhelms me.  I am continually reminded that God loves me with a strength that I can't comprehend.  I see this in my daily life.  God has never left me, nor deserted me when I've left him.  He's used the mistakes I've made to change and mold me into the daughter he desires.  There are days that it's hard to comprehend God's powerful love.  I know I don't deserve it, but then I have to remember that it's not about my deserving it.  It's about his gracious, all-consuming, powerful love that brought forth the mercy of His son's ultimate sacrifice.  There is nothing I can do that could earn such love but I know what it demands of me. 

It demands that I give my life to Jesus Christ's service.  It demands that I love others, even when they hurt me.  It demands that I give compassion, kindness, and discipline to those under my charge.  It demands that I devote myself to the furthering of Christ's message.  

So often I feel inadequate to that challenge.  I feel weak in the face of the challenges.  I remember that daily I struggle with the same sin that wanted to drown me years ago in self-pity and self-hate.  I only need to remember that I'm not in this alone.  He walks with me every step of the way.  He loves me, and he provides the means to accomplish his goals.  

All I can do is submit and love him.  Thank you, Yahwah.  Praise Jesus Christ for you truly are a wonderful counselor.  

thinking outside of the box

I was recently reading an article about writing shorter stories, and one of the options was personal essays.  This is an interesting idea, and I might attempt this, if only to grow in my writing skill.  

So, the question is, what do I write a personal essay about?  How long should it be?  What do I focus on?  Something from my childhood?  Or maybe from my turbulent teenage years?  Or the growth and trials I experienced in my twenties?  What story would make dynamic reading?  How do I even start it, and what do I want the reader to take from it?  

I thought this might be a good showcase for a shorter story, so if I can answer all of those questions that nag at me, then I'll post the story here and let you decide.  What do you think?

Passion to write

There are a lot of days when I have a real passionate desire to write, and I just HAVE to put the words down on the paper.  What I need to learn is to harness that passion because, unfortunately, there are a good many days when it's difficult to get even a trickle of enthusiasm rolling.  

I have to wonder how to cultivate passion in my writing and in my desire to write.  What do I do to get it going.  I guess I just need to write.  Put one word after another on the paper and hope that at the end it's what I want to say. 

Out of touch

I've been a little out of touch with my blog recently...I'll try to get going again.  Maybe I'll start by picking up a book and reading  for a while.  Reading is a great way to reinvigorate the writing.  

Close to the Finish Line!

I don't know what it is, but I can really start out well on a project (especially is the ideas are flowing) and can spend weeks devoted completely to what I'm writing.  And then comes the hiccup.  Something will happen to distract me, and I lose focus.  Then it's really difficult to get back on the computer and finish.  

Right now, I'm 34 chapters into W.t.W.W.Y.N.  That's not an insignificant achievement...but it's not perfect either.  It was about there that I realized I didn't like some of the direction I was going and (to steal a phrase from "Lost") I had to course correct. Now, I seem muddled in not only getting everything in line up to 34 but in finishing it.  I see the end in my mind; I have a pretty good idea of where the story is going.  It just takes a lot of work to get it there.  *Sigh*

Character Profile: Elizabeth Abbot Kinkaid

Elizabeth, or Lizzie as she is called, is the heroine of W.t.W.W.Y.N.   I wanted to make Lizzie as normal as possible, meaning I didn't want her to be some heroic FBI agent out to stop the bad guy.  I pictured her as someone who was the victim in a plot bigger than her, so that she would be forced to confront major obstacles to get her life back.  

Here's some basic information: 

Lizzie is early-30's (around 32 or 33).  She has wild, curly red hair.  I pictured her hair as reflecting her own emotions.  When it's calm and controlled, she has her life in order, and when it takes over, she's lost control of who she is.  She's pretty average in height but way too skinny (a result of stress from the last 2 years of her life).  

Her History:

Lizzie grew up in Rose Lee, Colorado with her father and grandparents.  Her mother left the family when Lizzie was only 3 or 4, and Lizzie has rarely seen her since.  Her grandmother died when she was  a teen, and her father died of a heart attack when Lizzie was in college.  So, she really leans on her grandfather as the support system in her life.

She grew up with five close friends.  Nick Kinkaid (who she would grow up to marry), Tess (who would marry Dan), Dan Monroe (Nick's cousin), Russ, and Emerson "Em" Kinkaid (Nick's younger sister).  Her deepest friend was Em until she passed away from cancer when the girls were teens. 

All the loss in Lizzie's past, especially the loss of Em, pushed her into the field of counseling.  At the time of her disappearance she was counseling teen girls who'd undergone extreme trauma in their lives.

What's her deal?

That's the mystery.  What is the deal?  Two years ago, Lizzie apparently left her husband and the life they'd built together.  Leaving only a disjointed note to explain her decision, Lizzie vanished.  Nick could never believe that Lizzie would take off the way she did, but many people remember how wild Lizzie had been as a teenager and figure it fit her character perfectly.  

Now, 2 years later, Lizzie returns by what seems to be coincidence to her hometown.  However, she has no memory of her past or who she was before she'd left.  Now, with the help of her friends, Lizzie has to figure out who she is and what happened to her before the man behind it strikes again. 

Answered Prayer

God is amazing.  I know that, but I also know that God does things on his timetable and not on mine.  That's sometimes really difficult to deal with.  I want what I want when I want it.  Unfortunately, I recognize that I'm kind of impatient, a lot stubborn, and majorly independent.  These are not qualities that lead to patient waiting.  God has really been forcing me to wait in several areas of my life.  Sometimes I take "wait" as a "no".  What I need is to remember that God's okay is far better than my best, and I know that God wants more than okay for me.  He wants his best.  So, sometimes, I just need to pray without expectations placed on him.  He's God after all, and if I can't trust him, who can I trust?  God will answer in his time, and I need to believe that.  

Praise God!

A 3 in 1

I used to never read those books that had three novels in one.  The stories always felt too short, and I wanted more time with the characters.  However, recently, I've discovered the joy of reading those shorter novels.  I mean, instead of one great book I suddenly had 3 shorter stories!  It's like Christmas!  

However, the downside is that sometimes the quality is pretty poor.  The stories can feel rushed, and we're not given much time to get to know the characters.  There's been a few of these books that I haven't finished because the quality was so terrible.  I'm not kidding when I say this--I read one where the 2 leads spent FIVE pages arguing about whether dogs or cats made better pets. Really?  This is a short book, there must be something of interest to write about your characters. If they warranted a book, then they better have a story to tell.  

One of my many ideas including writing one of these books.  I even have the basis for it.  The overarching story would take place at a homeless shelter.  The first story would be about Grace Morgan, an ex-actress and former drug addict, who works at the shelter as director of fundraising.  Sam Mills is a tabloid journalist who comes searching for her and re-discovers himself.  The second story is about Olivia O'Dell, a divorcee with a young son, who is the manager of the mission.  While she is still dealing with the mess that was her marriage, she meets Travis Hart.  Travis is a former military man looking for his bipolar sister who vanished onto the streets.  The third story is about Corinne "Cory" Tall Oak.  Cory is the co-ordinator of children's services at the shelter as well as owner of a small motel.  She is dealing with the ramifications of an unwed pregnancy when she meets James Sheridan.   James is a widower with 3 children who is bringing his children to visit their grandparents while dealing with the loss of his wife.  

I haven't gotten much farther than the ideas for each story but I'll get there.  

What if you don't want to write about what you know?

"They" always say to write what you know.  I've always wondered, what if you had a really boring life?  What if you don't want to write about the everyday happenings of your neighbors and how you're sure your boss hates you because he gave you the worst assignment ever?  

Personally, I've always been more interested in reading suspense stories and that's what I enjoy writing.  Have I ever met someone in the FBI?  No.  But I sure do like reading stories about them.  For me, writing is about the art of pretend, and if you write well enough, the audience shouldn't ever know that I'm not a part of the FBI myself.  I don't know if I'm THAT good, but I'm certainly trying.

This whole writing what you know would cut a lot of stuff out of my book, and that's not even counting jobs that I don't participate in myself.  

I think writing is more about writing on the human condition and emotions that everyone experiences.  Those are the things we should know about when we write.  Our characters should feel like real people even if they are in outrageous, highly suspect situations.  How many people really suffer from amnesia?  My guess is not nearly as many as authors write about and actors portray...but if we can grab ahold of the emotions that person might be going through, that's the key to a good, dynamic story.  

on editing and editing and editing and editing, etc...

I'll be honest.  Editing is exhausting.  This is one of the main reasons that writer's block sets in for me...see when I edit, I have a hard time just picking up from where I left off.  I have to go back to the beginning.  Let me tell you that once the chapters add up, it takes a REALLY long time to get through the thing because I always find things that need to be fixed.  It gets to the point that I want to scream.  I'm sure I even have once or twice.  

But, as annoying as it is, it must be done.  Especially when I change major plot points and add characters.  Which I do.  A lot.  

I'm currently in the process of editing W.t.W.W.Y.N. for only the 3rd time (which isn't really that much considering), and I changed 2 major points.  So, now it's about extracting the roots of the old idea (which was okay but probably too far-fetched) and planting a new (hopefully better) idea.  But even the new idea creates a new set of problems.  (Wait...does she know this happened or not?  Would he really be motivated by this?  Should I just chop this character out of the story?)  

And, of course there's changing the name of a character.  I changed Kat's name Kate and Beau's name from Annie on my 4th or 5th draft of W.B.S.F., and that was obnoxious.  Even on my 7th edit, I'd find the stray Annie or Kate littering the story.  

I've discovered that one of the best ways to edit is to let someone else read the story and tell me everything that's wrong with it.  I must publicly thank Wendy Watson for doing that for me for the W.B.S.F.  Now I just need to find that person for W.t.W.W.Y.N.  

What exactly is the line that no one wants to cross?

I write Christian fiction.  That's really all I can write...I've tried other stuff, usually unsuccessfully.  I just need to include what I believe in what I write.  That's why I enjoy reading Christian fiction--I know that I won't feel all yucky when I'm done.  

But, after years of reading various authors, I've found there's a big difference in how they approach faith in their works.  I admit, I've read a few books where I've been completely annoyed because it feels as though the writers are trying to convert me.  My personal thought on this (and, admittedly, I could be wrong) is that most people reading Christian fiction are already Christians. I get a little tired of reading pages of sermons planted in the story or Christian-ese filling the dialogue.  A little faith goes a long way. 

On the other hand, I've read a few authors where I had no idea that they were writing from a Christian perspective because some of the writing has been a little racy or the doctrine spouted by characters has been a little shaky.  

So, where is that line?  How do I write what I believe without either boring or offending the reader?  This is something I still struggle to find a balance with...I want to show my characters praying without going overboard.  And what about salvation?  How much detail should one go into if you have a character who accepts Christ?  All I can do is keep practicing and editing and praying myself for wisdom in what I write.  

Inspiration and Motivation

In general, I can find inspiration from almost anywhere.  My mind is crazy with ideas at times...I was watching some random show the other day, and I thought wouldn't it be an interesting idea if a story revolved around a girl who made every available bad choice and suddenly gets a chance to start over.  Actually, that idea, in one form or another has come to me for years. 

 The sequel to W.B.S.F. is about Lucy, a girl who at a critical juncture in her life made the wrong choice and now everything else has been touched by that choice.  That's really all I'm going to say about Lucy right now...she has a long way to go before her story could be finished.  

I've also gotten inspiration from my job as a teacher at a residential treatment facility.  Someday, I'd like to write a story about a girl going through that pain and being forced to confront all those choices she's made that has destroyed her and her family but knowing through all of it that there's hope for reconciliation and restoration.  Right now though, that story will stay in my head.  

No, inspiration isn't really my problem.  My problem stems more from motivation.  Sometimes I have a really difficult time motivating myself to sit down and right.  I go through phases where all I want to do is write.  If I catch that fire, than it's amazing, and I feel at top form.  But, somewhere along the way, I always lose steam and my passion dissipates into doubt and despair.  Despair that this will ever come of anything.  Where does my confidence go?  I don't know; I just know that Satan sneaks in and robs me of the great joy I get from writing.  And unfortunately, once I get off track, it becomes difficult to get going again.  

One of the best ways for me to get motivated is to read.  Sometimes I'll read a really good book and think "I want to do this." and other times, I'll read a pretty okay (or occasionally, a terrible book) and think "I can do better than this."  Of course, the next step after identifying the problem is acting upon the solution.  

So, right now, I'm in the reading a great book to inspire and motivate me.  Hopefully, that will translate into more time writing...after all there are a great many stories rumbling around in my head demanding to be finished.  I might have more room up there if I followed through on it.  

a good well-rounded villain

Every story needs a bad guy, someone who creates conflict and forces the hero/heroine to step up.  A really good villain is conflicted themselves and are deeper than their actions would perhaps suggest.  No one acts in a vacuum and no one is all good or all bad.  Isn't it boring to read a story where the good guy is perfect and the villain is straight evil.  Think Dudley Do-Right and Snidely Whiplash.  Sure, it's an enjoyable cartoon if you're a kid (at least a kid in my generation), but flat and dull for a mature reader looker for more.  

I admit that creating and sustaining a good villain is at times a struggle for me.  I want the villain to recognize the error of their ways and stop whatever evil thing they're engaged in.  Unfortunately, that doesn't make for compelling storytelling.  So, I've been actively working to add depth and nuances to my baddies.

In  When Broken Sparrows Fly, I started off with one main bad guy (Richard), his conflicted, tortured wife (Salome), two henchmen (probably a little one dimensional, but not everyone can have a deep backstory) and a female assassin who enjoys killing (Greer).  First off, I realized later that there were a couple of problems with Richard.  First of all, he was kind of flat, there wasn't anything driving him, no good in him--he was boring.  Second of all, he just didn't seem truly bad enough.  His motivations were kind of weak (yes, I know greed drives many heinous crimes, but it didn't seem enough for this story).  That's when I demoted Richard to second bad guy and gave him a few more dimensions.  

Henri Laroche became the big bad, and I gave him pain in his past, a driving need for revenge, and a more sinister, all-knowing presence.  Adding him seemed to spice up the story and made the action all the more imminent and potentially life-threatening.  

My current bad guy, (for W.t.W.W.Y.N.) was similarly, driven by greed, and I realized (only 34 chapters in) that that wasn't enough.  I won't go into details, but I hope that my vision for him brings more depth to the story and forces the heroine to lean not on her own understanding but on God.  

the one I really want to finish

Okay...so now that I've sent Kat's story off (like a mom who's sent her oldest child off to college), I must focus my attention on my "younger child"...the unfinished but pretty darn close to being done one.  That's Lizzie's story, and it is completely unrelated to Kat.  I know I should have used some stick-to-it-ness and finished the next story in the trilogy, but Lizzie and her friends just came to me one day.  

I started the story when I was living in Arvada, CO, and it was my second year out there (2003-04), and I just started writing.  Like When Broken Sparrows Fly, the beginning of this is largely the same as when I started.  Though some of my original ideas have been somewhat altered from that first vision.

I had this idea that I wanted to add some untraditional romance to a story, and so I thought, how can I turn the idea of boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, on its head.  My idea was, what if all of that happens and suddenly girl leaves boy and they have to start all over.  

Like every other story, I take some cliche and tired old plot device and try to re-work it.  In this case it is a nasty case of amnesia.  But it's not the "getting bumped on the head" type, no this is more sinister.  What if someone did it on purpose?  What if someone caused Lizzie to lose her memory?  And what if, she's been missing for 2 years?  What happens to all involved when she returns and doesn't remember who she is or who the people, people she's known for years, around her are?  What if the person behind her mysterious memory loss is close and doesn't want her to remember?

That's the origin of the plot.  I got to about 34 chapters when I realized something needed to change.  The motivation of the bad guy.  Why would he do this to someone?  What could cause a "good" man to go bad and hurt people he loved?  I think I've figured that motivation out, but it's been a bit of work going back to the beginning and re-working the whole thing.  

It's not like I haven't done it before.  Heck...I've personally edited When Broken Sparrows Fly at least 7 or 8 times, plus I had a co-worker who completely edited it for me several years ago.  Editing isn't a new thing...it's just tedious and can lead to a little thing I like to call writer's block.  

I can see the end in sight for Lizzie's story, and I feel really good about it in general.  I really like the characters, and I feel like I managed to get some good dialogue going in different places.  So, it's really just a matter of stoking the fires of my imagination and pushing the self-motivation button a few more times so that I can finish it.  I really want to finish it...I want to see how Lizzie's story is resolved.  

the dilemma of a good name

I'm very particular when creating a story that the name of the character has to fit how I view that person.  I like to think about what the name means and the particular characteristics that it brings to mind for me.  This goes for last names as well.  When I created Kat (first attempt at her name was Kate, but it didn't feel right to me) I chose the last name of Pascal (which I've kept).  I remember discovering that Pascal meant Easter, which made me think of rebirth and redemption, which I thought was perfect.

For the main character in When the Wind Whispers Your Name (still undecided on the final title for this), I really loved the name Elizabeth (which is probably my favorite name of all time).  Elizabeth has such a solid feel with real history.  The character goes by the nickname of Lizzie, which is more fun and spontaneous.  All of these were characteristics I wanted Lizzie to have.  

It is a personal pet peeve of mine when I read several works by the same author, and she (or he) consistently uses the same character names!  Where's the creativity in that?  I may know 15 Jennys, but that doesn't mean I use the name for everything I write.  Everyone (even a fictional character) deserves a name and personality of their very own.  We are not our siblings and neither are they.

Wearing the whole armor of God

Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about the armor of God and its importance in the life of every Christian.  I have to be honest and say that I think I've forgotten how to gird myself in God's protection and have thus been beaten up a lot by Satan recently.  I woke up today with the realization that my problem isn't necessarily one of confidence (or lack thereof) but rather of defeatism.  I've given up on major dreams of mine because of this feeling that they aren't going to come true so why bother?  

This is not a helpful attitude.  I recognize this and am working to rectify it...one step at a time.  Step one: remember God's promises and his protection.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord in and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."  Eph. 6:10-18

This is my struggle.  To keep praying in the Spirit and clinging to the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, so that I may stand firm in the knowledge that God has beautiful, wonderful plans for me, and really, if He is for me, who could possibly stand against me?  

God has given me a gift, and I need to trust in his love.  That's where I am...remembering daily that it's not about me, it's about Him.  My story reflects His glory and so why should I possibly feel defeated?  

While, I'm not completely there, I'm working on it.  God is working on me, and that's what counts.

Character Profile: Katerina Grimaldi Pascal

Since I went ahead and sent Kat's story in, I might as well share a little of who Kat is and why someone might be interested in her story.

Here are some very basic pieces of info about our heroine:

Appearance: long, dark brown hair, tall, slim

Age: early 30's

Profession: NCB agent; high school literature teacher

Talents: picks locks, hacker, near-photographic memory, kick boxer

History:

Kat and Beau lost their parents to a car accident when they were children.  They spent most of their teenage years in a state-sponsored foster home, and this is where they developed a relationship with God.

What's her deal?

Kat loved her job and she loved Ben Pascal.  They impulsively got married after only a few months of knowing each other.   His loss has detrimentally affected her relationship with her friends and family and led her to quitting her job at the NCB.

Kat is extremely angry and has no problem spewing her rage on anyone who comes too close or pushes her buttons.  

Throughout the novel, she needs to come to terms with her losses and her anger with God.  Forgiveness and faith play a major part in her story.

And off it goes!

Today I submitted my proposal for Kat's story to two different agents, and now it's just a waiting game.  I should hear one way or another within two months.  It's all in God's hands.  

The on and on of sequels...how many is enough?

I love to read book series.  I love to be able to go back to the people I met in the first story and get to see what's become of them.  The best series fully incorporate those beloved characters.  Dee Henderson does a great job of that with the O'Malleys.  As each book progresses, you get to see relationships evolve (though she isn't perfect, there are still characters that get completely short-shifted in some of those books).  

When I first started writing When Broken Sparrows Fly, series was not in my head.  However, once I settled on how it should end, I realized that there was more story I could tell.  What about Beau?  Does she find that perfect guy?  Of course, hers wasn't the next story I conceived that would go with Kat's story.  That honor belongs to Lucy.  So, as it was, I came up with the idea of creating a trilogy.  I even have names picked out for the next two--Under the Wings of Grace and Soaring on Hope--get the bird metaphor?  

Tragically, I haven't gotten very far.  I actually have about 8 chapters from the second one done. Lucy's story is off to a great start (and I think it's even kind of unique) plus we get more about Kat, Max, Beau, and Theo.  But, I've kind of stalled out on this project.

This is what makes me a little nervous about sequels...what if I can't finish?  What if it just dies out and leaves the first just kind of hanging there in the wind.  We want to know what happens? What if I am unable to deliver?  

I haven't even touched Lucy's story in a couple of years...when will I ever get back to it?  Since then I've come up with a couple of other stories that I prefer to tell.  And, don't even get me started on poor Beau...will she ever have a chance to shine in her own story?  Maybe, maybe not, since I've only gotten so far as a rough idea of what that might entail.  At this rate, I'll be sixty before I get to it! 

So...is a series a good idea?  I'm not sure.  I'll let you know. 

Kat's story aka When Broken Sparrows Fly

I started this book way back in 1993-1994 (I can't really remember which now).  I can remember the exact place it sprang into existence.  I was working in the payroll office in Brody Cafeteria at MSU (Go Spartans!), and I was bored out of my mind when the idea of twins who worked undercover for the government leapt to my mind.  Yes, I know this is kind of cliche, but I went with it anyway.  Katerina and Isabeau (named Kaitlyn and Annabelle at the time) and their story came to me.  Now, after 15 years, it's evolved quite a bit...characters have come and gone but the story managed to get finished.  

So far, theirs is the only manuscript I've completed.  It's 50 chapters (52 if you count the prologue and epilogue) and about 100,000 words!  

The basic premise of the story is that Kat and Beau (identical twins each with unique gifts) worked for many years for a branch of Homeland Security (in the novel this branch is called the NCB, which is completely fabricated for the story).  However, Kat suffered a tragedy and quit the NCB in anger.  Some time has passed and Beau becomes injured in the line of duty, and Kat is called upon to resume her former job.  Along the way, they need to save a senator who is being held captive by the same terrorist who wants to kill Kat.  In the course of the story, Kat comes face to face with God and begins to heal from the tragedy of her past.

That's the story in a nutshell.  

I plan on sending Kat's story out soon, and we'll see if any agents show an interest. 

Just organizing my thoughts....

So...I've been thinking that I need to organize all those thoughts that just bang around inside of my head waiting to be released.  I have at least 5 stories in there wanting to be told...the problem is moving them from inside my head to a more tangible place like a piece of paper!  I thought I'd start by briefly outlining what those stories are here, and then go from there.  

Writer's Block is a Pain in the behind!

So, I've been struggling for quite some time with writer's block.  I have no idea why...I mean I love to write!  Not only do I love to write, but it's the time I feel closest to God...which opens a new can of worms.  

I've realized recently that my confidence level concerning my writing has fallen about 150%.  Where is my can-do spirit?  That part of me that says it doesn't matter what others think as long as I'm doing what I love?  Maybe it's the realization that I'm 36 and am no where close to publishing a manuscript.  It doesn't matter than I've finished one and nearly finished another.  Who wants to read it?  Who wants to take the time to check them out and see if they're any good?  Why would anyone care but me?  

I need to stop whining and get back on the writing bandwagon!  I've made the decision to shop When Broken Sparrows Fly around to some agents.  We'll see what happens.