Recently it has felt as though I've been awakening from a long slumber. I've just been so overwhelmed with life and the chaos of impending change and so I've slipped into a kind of placid here and now. I wasn't really living, just going from day to day trying to survive with a modicum of grace and poise. Some days I've definitely been more successful than others. What can I say? I'm human.
Just over a month ago now I went on a women's retreat at Windemere in the Ozarks. It turned out to be an amazing time for me to reconnect with what's truly important in life and to wake up. Life is about more than getting by...there's so much more that I want for myself. I want to feel alive and useful and joyous and here in the moment of every minute. That retreat served as the alarm clock of life telling me to get my butt out of bed and get moving. I have things to offer. I have a purpose. My purpose is more than sitting in front of the television or the internet medicating myself into this numb state of oblivion. Life is messy and it's vibrant, and I want to be more than an observer.
One of the casualties of my self-medicating, intoxicating addiction to doing nothing was my creativity and my writing. I have stories in me that are dying to come out. I have something to say...something that God planted in me when I was still in the womb. I have a beautiful dream, and I've squandered it these past few months (years?), and that's not the way to live.
I have prided myself on being an independent, go for broke woman of God who doesn't let fear stop me from what needs to happen. Yet, somewhere along the way, I've gotten sidetracked, in fact, that's not the woman I've been. I've been distracted by fear and anxiety. That's not who God has called me to be. In 1 Peter 5:7 he proclaims through Peter "...cast your anxieties on the Lord for he cares for you." He cares for me! How crazy is that? I know I have a hard time believing it sometimes, but nonetheless, it's true. God loves me and wants more for me than I want for myself. Thank you God.
So, I've been going through this awakening process, and so much of it comes down to my writing. I have what it takes. I am not a failure...I have to remind myself of that. For whatever reason, I haven't successfully published a novel yet, but that doesn't mean I should give up. I need to write.
I hadn't read When Broken Sparrows Fly since I last edited it a few years ago. I'm a harsh critic, and I only see the problems with it. But, I felt led to re-read the story this weekend. And, guess what? There are still flaws and it's not perfect, but it's not half-bad either. Certainly better than some stuff I've read, though nowhere near as good as I'd like it to be. But, maybe the point wasn't for me edit this story anymore, maybe it was to jumpstart my desire to write in general. I have more to say. I just need to kick myself in the pants, and start putting those thoughts down.
I'll let you know how things are going with that.
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